Oh Mr. Brooks, first of all let me just say I love question time. I love giving questions, I LOVE getting questions. There are some great questioners and qeustionees (I can make it a word if I want to :P) in tumblr, but you are among my favorite questioners. True story…you and JaNinja questioning/answering each other is like a bright spot in any given day. So when I get a little of that question action I get all tingly inside. AND no, it’s not just the vodka…I think. Eh, either way… onto question time and I’m going to answer everything with a question mark. :P
The dealy? Um, I don’t know what the dealy is, is it like two for one? What’s two for one? Is it vodka? Is vodka two for one? Oh my god, where? Wait, you mean there is no two for one vodka sale? Um, then what did you bring it up for?
Oh, alright, I’ll forgive that little faux pas for now (*mumbles under breath about a vodka tease*). You want to know how I’m doin? Hmm, I’m doin’ good. I’ve got my stuffed monkey, cable tv, tumblr, and some spirits in the freezer. I’m fairly occupied, which equals content. Ok, truth? There’s a How It’s Made marathon on the science channel right now so I’m pretty fucking good to go. Seriously… I squeal like a little girl when I see a new episode of How It’s Made is on ( I also kind of get this excited when I see Ninja Warrior is on, don’t ask) . I’ve seen this episode so I’m flipping back and forth between it and America’s Next Top Model… don’t you judge me. :P
What’s shakin’ bacon? Um, is that bacon crumbs you put on a salad? I never really did understand that phenomenon. Don’t get me wrong, I like me some bacon, and salad as well, but it just doesn’t make sense to combine the two. I mean, it’s bacon… it’s meant for BLTs and Bacon Burgers and morning sex with midgets… not SALADS for love of all that is greasy! But I digress… I do that a lot. :P
So what’s the proper use for a spatula? I knew this day would come sooner or later. Ok, Ian, sit down, this may disturb you. You see dear, when a man and a woman love each other very much they do things with kitchen utensils that make normal people gag in their mouths.
So yes, first and foremost, at its most basic implementation a spatula is good, nay, perfect for smacking people with. But if the aforementioned man and women are going at it on the kitchen table some inventive freaky deaky shit can go down.
So, the following is a list that the spatula may be used for. This list is not all inclusive. If you really want to test the limits of a spatula and it’s uses I say find your own drunk horny girl and get to experimentin’. Warning it is highly advised that the same spatula is not used for more than any ONE of the following activities. Please purchase multiple spatulas… and make sure they are labeled. :P
1. Flipping shit.
1a. Like food, in a grill or a skillet.
1b. Like balls, stuck to a porch (see Joe Dirt).
1c. Like balls coated in food stuck to the floor… let’s just say honey coated testicles are tenacious when it comes to prying them up from cold linoleum. DO NOT ask. :P
2. Smack shit (not asses).
2a. Like …well… like… Ok, good for just smackin asses. :P
3. Sliding between shit.
3a. Like simple household locks…and bam, you’re a locksmith motherfucker! :P
3b. Like between yo’ ass cheeks…coated in mentholated diaper cream…and bam, you’re a sick motherfucker! :P
4. Tease Shit.
4a. Like your cat, by swirling it around it’s cute little head.
4b. Like your boyfriend, by swirling it around it’s cute little head.
5. Smear shit.
Pardon me while I giggle at myself for a minute…yeah, cause I’m classy like that. :P
Ok, where was I?
Ah, totinos pizza rolls…in the microwave? Isn’t that like blasphemy? Not for me, but for men. I mean, assuming all men are crazy. I once got bitched out for like 5 minutes by the ex because I had the audacity to “microwave” the pizza rolls. Don’t you know they are only good if they achieve the crispy outer shell only an oven preparation can provide?
Anyway, you mean to say you just like them microwaved too? You’re my hero… I like them microwaved as well. If I wanted to spend the time to wait for an oven to heat up, then why in the hell am I eating pizza rolls in the first place? But noooo this logic was frowned upon by the crazy canadian man. :P I’m rambling again, aren’t I? But really, bottom line, who eats pizza rolls from the oven? If you were going to wait half an hour for food, why not just make a proper meal? :P And yes I think all frozen foods that are microwaved should have their cooking times memorized and tested through years of research. For the record a frozen bagel is ready to be toasted, and still able to handle) after exactly 14 seconds in the microwave (years of research, trust me) :P.
And last but not least the egg beater. Ok, young Ian, I think you’re kind of jumping the gun here. The egg beater is advanced equipment for any kitchen appliance sex toys amateur.
Trust me on this, you’re going to want to start with easy to wield objects like spatulas, ladles, spaghetti strainers, wooden spoons, and paper towel holders…. Actually, the paper towel holder is an advanced toy too, stay away until you get a firm grasp of the basics. :P
But if you insist on using an egg beater, please, please listen to the following advice.
1. ALWAYS HAND POWERED. Never ever use a powered piece of kitchen equipment near your… well, near your equipment. Hand powered leaves you the opportunity to stop immediately once the screaming starts. :P
2. Lube that puppy up. Trust me on this. The more the better. You can NOT have too much lube on an egg beater, it is a physical impossiblity.
3. Say a prayer (to whatever god you prescribe to… and just to be safe, maybe a few of the others as well) and make sure you have your local rescue squad on speed dial. In fact, you may just want to web cam this shit to someone on the squad so that they can dispatch the crew as soon as they see something go wrong… and it will. :P I lost a good nipple in the summer of ’98 via a hand held egg beater. I still have flashback scares whenever I make pancakes for breakfast. It got so bad that I had to stop making them from scratch and just go to microwavable (ah, and for the record, the perfect time for 3 is 1 minute and 17 seconds :P).
So yeah, I think I’ve taught you all I know. I imagine now you’ll want to seek some sort of therapy, or support group, so good luck with that. :P