You aren’t even lying.

When I read that the first thing that pops up is a woman breast-feeding a monkey I had to see. It is.

I am disturbed.

But on the plus side, while looking at said photo, I glimpsed the photo of the monkey nomming on the lady’s nose that I just posted (my last post).

But yeah, I’ll totally avenge your death, mister. I’m growing out a beard, and working on rounding up some marching band members to follow me around playing “Eye of the Tiger” while I set out on my epic journey… or epicness.

Yeah, cause that’s how I roll.

Yeah, it also seems I need to get laid… did I actually go looking to see if you really found a woman breast-feeding a monkey?

Help? hahaha

I just like seeing you yell monkey. :)

True story, every time I see you respond to one of my posts with the word “monkey” followed by an exclamation point, I smile like a loon. I smile like that, because every time I see a monkey, that’s what I do. I yell out “MONKEY!” like a five year old at the zoo. :P

Yeah, I’m pretty much unemployed. I get like 2 or 3 days a month. WOW, what ever will I do with all that dough? HA *snort*.

Yeah, the drawbacks of unemployment kind of don’t seem so bad when you’re staring down your pillow at 10 in the morning, look over at the alarm clock, and realize there is no reason you have to get up (except that nagging urge to pee, and hey, worse comes to worse, I can change the damn sheets hahahahaewwwwww lol).

But yeah, I love the being able to sleep thing.  I’ve been sleeping a lot. I mean A LOT, a lot. 

Oh, other benefits include the fact that in the past 5 days I’ve:

-taken 3 showers and one shower-fake out.  A shower fake out is where you get naked, turn on the water for the shower, sit on the edge of the tub cause you want to pass out, feel the water and realize that it’s cold and your bed is warm, and simple math says a warm bed is better than a cold shower, and since you’re not an idiot you turn off the water, put your dirty nightgown back on and go to sleep.

- sang a knock-off version of “no hair for my hairbrush” from Veggie-tales, that goes something like  “no pickles for my tummy, no pickles for my tummy, no pickles no where, no fair, no pickles for my tummy” about  a dozen times.

- Held a deeply philosophical conversation with a cat on the qualities of American cheese versus mozzarella.  Obviously I was pro-mozzarella.  (Cats are notorious for being blind when it comes to cheese, they think one is as good as the next, which is sooooo not the case).

- Held an equally philosophical conversation with your cat about the never ending debate between good and evil. Or rather the debate between soft and hard…toilet paper that is. My cats like to join me while I poop, and I sometimes get chatty on the shitter. Ha, and well, Birdy was there trying to destroy my roll of Scott tissue, and somehow we got into a conversation about Scott (the old school stuff that you can see through and feels like sand paper) versus Charmin Ultra Soft. We tried to keep cool heads in our heated debate, but long story short, she’s moving out on Friday, we’ve decided that we can’t just live together knowing that we have such deeply conflicting views on such an important issue. :P

- Wondered about my sanity after I found myself calling one of my cats “Admiral Scragglybutt” and then trying to figure out if it was “Captain” or “Admiral” considering her branch of the military would probably be something that required her not to be near water.

- Watched, and loved, the entire series of Firefly in bed.

- Watched the Serenity movie twice… in bed.

- Watched the second season of Veronica Mars… in bed.

- Watched the first 5 or 6 episodes of Veronic Mars Season 3 in bed.

- Asked my fridge on at least 3 separate occasions if it found me “attractive and/or doable” and then got upset at the silent reply to which I retorted  “what do you know, you’re not even GE”.

- Sniffed my armpit to make sure “that smell’ was the cat’s liter box and not me on at least 3 separate occasions. I am happy to report that only once, was it not the liter box. Hahaha

- Resolved to take more showers, or at the very least increase my deodorant applications.

- Resolved to get a job where I’d get paid to sleep, because I’d be damn good at that kind of job.

- Resolved to go to the store to by pickles…first thing in the morning. (said for the first time last Friday).

- And last but not least, I failed in any new resolutions I undertook in this time period.

But yeah, long story short, this unemployed thing is like the only vacation I’ve ever had… I’ve got music, cinema, good conversation and even dirty French men and everything.  Granted, the dirty French man in this scenario is me. :P hahahaha

I posted my tumblr crushes earlier today (it was the first time I could see them). And I just wanted to share why you should be following these amazing people.

I follow a lot of amazing people. In fact if I follow you, you ARE one of my tumblr crushes no matter what that square says, but I figured since I finally found my “literal” tumblr crushes I’d celebrate by sharing their awesomeness with you.

Warning: I use the word awesome a lot in the following post. :P

www.pigtailsandcombatboots.tumblr.com -Spends a good deal of her time mining the nets for amazing photos to share. I’m a huge fan of the steam punk/goth goodness she finds… and the new artists! If you want more exposure so some awesome artists then she’s should be on your dash.

www.strangeninja.tumblr.com -Awesomeness. She is the inventor of the laying down game, and she is pure awesome. If you don’t already follow her it’s probably because you’re allergic to awesome… or you’re, like a douche or something. And when she gets her hands on some questions from her askhole, she.is.hilarious.  She’s fearless, she’s herself and she’d probably win my “biggest hero” contest in tumblr.  She’s good people, follow or miss out… and get attacked by my hoard of stuffed monkeys. No seriously, they’re animals, why risk it?  :P

www.debshock.tumblr.com- My love of all things monkeys is only challenged by her own fondness for the sock monkeys. Along with some pretty awesome gifs and photos she will rock your world with some heart breaking stories of recovery.  She’s one of my many tumblr heroes. :P

www.ianbrooks.tumblr.com- Mr. Ian Brooks. If you have a question about comic books, this is the man to ask. If you have a question that needs an answer that’s not only intelligent but will make you laugh, then you need to follow him now. For the record, I tend to think of him and Strangeninja as long lost siblings. Their awesome is undeniable.  OH, and he’s bearded… what more proof do you need to follow him? :P

www.thejohnblog.tumblr.com - Brilliant. Simply brilliant. There is few twitter posts by this man that has failed to make me literally laugh out loud. He’s just as funny in tumblr. Don’t miss out.

www.sarkastickunt.tumblr.com – Another one of my heroes.  She takes no prisoners,  and she calls ‘em like she sees ‘em.  But her own brutal honesty about what life is like as a mommy to a beautiful brood of youngsters that keeps me coming back for more. Oh, that and her hilarious commentary on all things vagina. (PS My vagina thanks you for your informative and hilarious posts).  

www.fuckyeah-les.tumblr.com – A crack head after my own heart.  And some of his darker moments tend to resonate with me. He’s honest when he’s having a rough time, and it’s nice to have someone you can relate to. 

www.moegreeb.tumblr.com – Ok, first of all, he’s really, really good looking.  Don’t believe me? The people of tumblr took a poll, and it was confirmed, he’s really, really good looking. If following one of the long lost Wilson brothers isn’t enough to garner him a place in your dash, his hilarious mid-day picture posts about being at work should do the trick.  He’s also the founder of the “Cave In the Woods” story (www.caveinthewoods.tumblr.com) if you want to check it out. Oh, and his posts here and there that hint at possible hidden life of dorkery and even rarer a hinting of loneliness (which I can relate to like a motherfucker) make this musician even more endearing. Follow or I’ll bite you… no really, I love to bite. :P

www.misscook.tumblr.com -  Miss Cook. :) I adore her. She’s a self-deprecating genius with a great flair for the erotic.  After I read her short story about the lovely forbidden fruit, I spent more than a few hours daydreaming about getting a temp job… at a location that was being remodeled of course. :P If you don’t know what I’m talking about then you need to follow her and read her short story “A Bite of the Apple”.  Even when she’s not making my naughty bits tingle with her clever words, she’s making me laugh out loud with her hilarious comments on a life, work and love.  Follow her or I’ll spank you (I think she would appreciate me using this kind of reinforcement. :P :))

Long story short, follow. :P

Oh Mr. Brooks, first of all let me just say I love question time. I love giving questions, I LOVE getting questions.  There are some great questioners and qeustionees (I can make it a word if I want to :P) in tumblr, but you are among my favorite questioners.  True story…you and JaNinja questioning/answering each other is like a bright spot in any given day. So when I get a little of that question action I get all tingly inside. AND no, it’s not just the vodka…I think. Eh, either way… onto question time and I’m going to answer everything with a question mark. :P

The dealy? Um, I don’t know what the dealy is, is it like two for one? What’s two for one? Is it vodka? Is vodka two for one? Oh my god, where? Wait, you mean there is no two for one vodka sale? Um, then what did you bring it up for?

Oh, alright, I’ll forgive that little faux pas for now (*mumbles under breath about a vodka tease*).  You want to know how I’m doin? Hmm, I’m doin’ good.  I’ve got my stuffed monkey, cable tv, tumblr, and some spirits in the freezer. I’m fairly occupied, which equals content. Ok, truth? There’s a How It’s Made marathon on the science channel right now so I’m pretty fucking good to go. Seriously… I squeal like a little girl when I see a new episode of How It’s Made is on ( I also kind of get this excited when I see Ninja Warrior is on, don’t ask) . I’ve seen this episode so I’m flipping back and forth between it and America’s Next Top Model… don’t you judge me. :P

What’s shakin’ bacon? Um, is that bacon crumbs you put on a salad?  I never really did understand that phenomenon.  Don’t get me wrong, I like me some bacon, and salad as well, but it just doesn’t make sense to combine the two.  I mean, it’s bacon… it’s meant for BLTs and Bacon Burgers and morning sex with midgets… not SALADS for love of all that is greasy!  But I digress… I do that a lot. :P

So what’s the proper use for a spatula? I knew this day would come sooner or later.  Ok, Ian, sit down, this may disturb you.  You see dear, when a man and a woman love each other very much they do things with kitchen utensils that make normal people gag in their mouths.

So yes, first and foremost, at its most basic implementation a spatula is good, nay, perfect for smacking people with. But if the aforementioned man and women are going at it on the kitchen table some inventive freaky deaky shit can go down.

So, the following is a list that the spatula may be used for.  This list is not all inclusive. If you really want to test the limits of a spatula and it’s uses I say find your own drunk horny girl and get to experimentin’.  Warning it is highly advised that the same spatula is not used for more than any ONE of the following activities.  Please purchase multiple spatulas… and make sure they are labeled. :P

1. Flipping shit.

1a. Like food, in a grill or a skillet. 

1b. Like balls, stuck to a porch (see Joe Dirt).

1c. Like balls coated in food stuck to the floor… let’s just say honey coated testicles are tenacious when it comes to prying them up from cold linoleum. DO NOT ask. :P

2. Smack shit (not asses).

2a. Like …well… like… Ok, good for just smackin asses. :P

3. Sliding between shit.

3a. Like simple household locks…and bam, you’re a locksmith motherfucker! :P

3b. Like between yo’ ass cheeks…coated in mentholated diaper cream…and bam, you’re a sick motherfucker! :P

4. Tease Shit.

4a. Like your cat, by swirling it around it’s cute little head.

4b. Like your boyfriend, by swirling it around it’s cute little head.

5. Smear shit.

5a. EWWWWWWWW.

Pardon me while I giggle at myself for a minute…yeah, cause I’m classy like that. :P

Ok, where was I?

Ah, totinos pizza rolls…in the microwave? Isn’t that like blasphemy?  Not for me, but for men.  I mean, assuming all men are crazy.  I once got bitched out for like 5 minutes by the ex because I had the audacity to “microwave” the pizza rolls.  Don’t you know they are only good if they achieve the crispy outer shell only an oven preparation can provide? 

Anyway, you mean to say you just like them microwaved too? You’re my hero… I like them microwaved as well.  If I wanted to spend the time to wait for an oven to heat up, then why in the hell am I eating pizza rolls in the first place?  But noooo this logic was frowned upon by the crazy canadian man. :P I’m rambling again, aren’t I? But really, bottom line, who eats pizza rolls from the oven? If you were going to wait half an hour for food, why not just make a proper meal? :P  And yes I think all frozen foods that are microwaved should have their cooking times memorized and tested through years of research.  For the record a frozen bagel is ready to be toasted, and still able to handle) after exactly 14 seconds in the microwave (years of research, trust me) :P.

And last but not least the egg beater. Ok, young Ian, I think you’re kind of jumping the gun here. The egg beater is advanced equipment for any kitchen appliance sex toys amateur. 

Trust me on this, you’re going to want to start with easy to wield objects like spatulas, ladles, spaghetti strainers, wooden spoons, and paper towel holders…. Actually, the paper towel holder is an advanced toy too, stay away until you get a firm grasp of the basics. :P

But if you insist on using an egg beater, please, please listen to the following advice.

1. ALWAYS HAND POWERED. Never ever use a powered piece of kitchen equipment near your… well, near your equipment.  Hand powered leaves you the opportunity to stop immediately once the screaming starts. :P

2. Lube that puppy up.  Trust me on this. The more the better.  You can NOT have too much lube on an egg beater, it is a physical impossiblity.

3. Say a prayer (to whatever god you prescribe to… and just to be safe, maybe a few of the others as well) and make sure you have your local rescue squad on speed dial. In fact, you may just want to web cam this shit to someone on the squad so that they can dispatch the crew as soon as they see something go wrong… and it will. :P I lost a good nipple in the summer of ’98 via a hand held egg beater.  I still have flashback scares whenever I make pancakes for breakfast.  It got so bad that I had to stop making them from scratch and just go to microwavable (ah, and for the record, the perfect time for 3 is 1 minute and 17 seconds :P).

So yeah, I think I’ve taught you all I know.  I imagine now you’ll want to seek some sort of therapy, or support group, so good luck with that. :P

He He He….

Someone…who shall remain namelss (at least until I add tags at the end) sent me some homemade porn of himself and his lovely young penguin.

BOW CHICKA BOW WOW

…

…

…

Yeah, you saw this coming didn’t you?

No. YOU HAVE NO LIFE.

Oh bite me… I’m gonna go edit my face on to an oompa loompa’s body, I don’t need this hassle.  :P