Just a note, because I said I would say if I was taking another hide from the world.

This is not the case. Everything is ok, I am not hiding, not sad, not being silly. My power cord is just a piece of shit. It was only working sporadically for the last few weeks anyway, and this week it’s kind of given up the ghost.  I’m going to keep trying to get it to work, but no luck so far, and my battery only has like 40% left, so I haven’t been able to get on my computer. If it does work I’ll be back, but wanted to let anyone who might be wondering that I’m ok.

I get paid friday and hope to get a new one then, or I’ve also heard from my new coworkers that there’s a computer shop that sells used parts about an hour or so away.  I just wanted to let anyone who might be worried(not that you would, but just in case) that I am fine. I love the new job (the people or super nice)…

 OH, and I miss you people like a motherfucker. Really, I miss you. I can’t wait until I can actually get back on my computer and catch up.  :) :) :)

strandell:

We’re doing this now are we?

Oh my… I finally made one of these things. I know the lovely girlvanized was kind enough to say she’d seen me on one before, and a kind gentleman said I’d made his list, but this is the first time I’ve ever seen my mug in a crush list. Sorry, but this made my night. NO, you get validation from the most inane places. Blow me, I’m going to take myspace photos of myself in the bathroom. :P ;)

If masturbating to Ryan Reynolds were illegal, that would probably explain why my left wrist is handcuffed to the bedpost.

And yes, in theory it could also explain the nightstick… but most nightsticks don’t go“buzzzzzzz”. :P

So I went shopping earlier this evening.

I am so proud of myself… there wasn’t one jar of pickles anywhere in my cart.

Ok, semi-proud of myself… I did eye-fuck the living daylights out of a jar of Claussen pickles in the deli isle.

On the up-side, I think the moans the sight of those pickles elicited from me are the reason I got an appraising smile from the cute deli attendant.

 …

…

…

Well, that or the 5 packs of C batteries resting alone in my cart.

Truly, a mystery for the ages.

I present exhibit A. Conversation with a friend… who was kind enough to say I could share this.

Nick (7/30/2010 10:26:28 PM): Well, I’ll say I find your often silly state of mind…interesting…

aka p (7/30/2010 10:26:50 PM): intersting? that sounds fairly ominous

Nick (7/30/2010 10:27:20 PM): No, not ominous. Just lack of a better term that forces me to use the word.

aka p (7/30/2010 10:28:00 PM): uh huh… just admit it…you want to have my babies hahahaha

Nick (7/30/2010 10:29:25 PM): A bit of a physical impossibility last I checked. Out of both of us in this conversation, I assure you that you’re the only one in ownership of the necessary equipment.

aka p (7/30/2010 10:31:03 PM): you mean i’m the only one of us who has a … you know… you know.  ha

Nick (7/30/2010 10:31:23 PM): A vagina? yes.

Nick (7/30/2010 10:31:48 PM): I lack that particular peice of babymaking hardware.

aka p (7/30/2010 10:33:32 PM): me too, wow what a quinky dink

Nick (7/30/2010 10:33:51 PM): You lack a vagina?

aka p (7/30/2010 10:36:47 PM): yeah, vagina free zone over here

aka p (7/30/2010 10:37:03 PM): i do have a slab of bacon and a toupee… that close enough?

Nick (7/30/2010 10:37:29 PM): LMMFAO!!!!

aka p (7/30/2010 10:38:13 PM): yeah, you want me  hahaha

Nick (7/30/2010 10:38:16 PM): That’s gotta be the most unique description of the female genitalia I’ve ever heard.

aka p (7/30/2010 10:38:26 PM): you love it

aka p (7/30/2010 10:38:34 PM): try and resist my womanly wiles hahaha *snort snort* hahaha

aka p (7/30/2010 10:39:43 PM): again i ask, how am i single? LOL

Nick (7/30/2010 10:40:14 PM): I have no earthly idea. You’re just fucking irresistable.

aka p (7/30/2010 10:40:58 PM): ha… blow me… i could have any man I wanted… If I had some beer, some steaks, esp, and a tranquilizer gun… but that’s just semantics…the point is i could have him  ha

aka p (7/30/2010 10:41:20 PM): espn even ha

aka p (7/30/2010 10:41:21 PM): hahahaa

Nick (7/30/2010 10:41:24 PM): LOL

aka p (7/30/2010 10:41:28 PM): let’s be honest, esp probably wouldn’t hurt either

I didn’t want to be a tumblr crush anyway.

No.

Not at all.

Never seeing my face in one of those things hasn’t had any impact on my self-worth.

OH MY GOD WHERE THE HELL IS THE FUCKING COOKIE DOUGH?

How it’s Made just informed me a that carpenters use a bench-plane to shave their wood.

Hmm, first of all I’ve never seen hairy wood (those carpenters must be some testosterone fueled little monkeys). I mean don’t get me wrong, I’ve been eye to eye with some scary hairy balls, but never seen actual wood sporting a bouffant.

And second of all, even if I did, wouldn’t you just use a razor? I mean, I just use a lady bic on my ol’ cooter.

Granted, once in a moment of desperation I did try duct-tape as a hair removal aid for my hoo-hee.

The doctors laughed almost as much at the sight of my botched blotched hoo-hee as they did when I explained that I called it my hoo-hee. :P

Me?

Oh, just trolling craigslist looking for someone to phone bone.

I mean… to discuss the geopolitical impact of the cheddar cheese that matured enough to be in a box of cheese its but decided to pursue higher education.

Wait, what?

Who said you need vodka to talk out of your ass? :P

Happy Birthday Michele!

I figured the best way to wish you a happy birthday was via chocolate erotica.

Hey, what lady with “lady bits” wouldn’t like chocolate erotica?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

I hope you have a wonderful day young lady. :)

There are Ugly Betty reruns on the TV Guide Channel.

These reruns have Henry in them.

I adore Henry.

I want to do all kinds of deviant things with him.

My sister is aware of this.

Conversation with sister about Henry (please note she’s as crass and sarcastic as me).

Sister: Congrats on the Job, any plans to celebrate?

Me: I’m watching Ugly Betty. So I’ll probably end up touching myself, and that’s party enough for me. 

Sister: It must be an episode “wit’ yo man” then?

Me: Henry? Oh yeah. I would do things that would take him to his knees… of course I’d have to be on my knees to do it.

Sister: *HA* Hootchie. 

Me: Not that he’d ever, you know, actually want me.

Sister: Just offer him your beaver, men can’t resist beaver.

Me: I can’t imagine there’s anyone who can’t resist someone whose nickname for her vagina is based on an a buck-toothed rodent.

Her: Alright, then offer him your taco. Yeah, I’ve never had a man resist my sloppy pink taco.

Me: You mean the word “sloppy” is a selling point for men when it comes to your cooter?  Hmm, on second thought I think I don’t know if I really want back in the dating scene.